Wow.   What a crazy day today was.     For some of you, I know you’re thinking “Crazy day?  How about the last 6 months?”    I want to thank a lot of you for your emails and messages about my lack-of-posts.   Let me fill you in on what’s been happening before I get into what today was about.  Not to make excuses – but to justify.   I don’t feel like I’ve had a creative bone in my body until recently.

I am still in school; I am currently taking my last science pre-req before I start the Nursing Program in August.  Studying is a full-time job on top of my full-time job.  I spent most of the fall wedding planning and on December 21, 2012 in Naples, Florida, I married my best friend, David.  Exciting, crazy, cold – it was one of the best days on record.  For someone like me, who thought a wedding was so far out of the picture EVER, it was amazing to see possibilities become real.  

After the wedding was Christmas, New Years, then on January 4^th I turned 30 (yikes).  School started back up, then its David’s Birthday, Mini-honeymoon, and now it’s February 25, 2013 and we are at the beginning of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.

Do you feel caught up?   Good.   I’m ready to talk about today.  Actually – I’m ready to TALK today.   Every NEDA Awareness week I have done “fear week”.  I cook a different food every night and post pictures about it.   Burgers, pizza, fries, bacon…whatever you can think of that I used to be terrified of, I would make it and eat it: more importantly, I would enjoy it. 

I wanted this week, this year to be different.  An eating disorder is never about food.  Alcoholism is never about alcohol and sexual addiction is never about sex…it all started with something else and the way we chose to “handle our issues” is the only thing that separates us into different categories.

Today I did something I’m going to call “My Silence Experiment”.   So here’s the mission:  be completely silent for 24 hours.  No talking, no conversation…no TEXTING (gasp), for 24 hours to recognize those who are silently struggling.   I was silently struggling for 7 years.  I have been recovered for 4 year, 2 months and 2 weeks and I’m telling you today was the hardest day I’ve had in a long time.

For those of you who know me, you know that talking is not something I can easily give up.  It’s almost like oxygen.  My ‘strong suit’ is making people laugh.  When I’m stressed, I’ll make you laugh.  When I’m injured, I’ll make you laugh.   I remember having bacon grease dumped on my leg in 1996 and I had the whole class of people rolling.  The minute we got in the car to go to the hospital I was STILL cracking jokes and I remember my coach saying “you know this really isn’t funny…?”   I make jokes, that’s what I do.

Aside from the place my head hits the pillow every night; one of my favorite places to go is Total Athletic Performance.  I get a great workout and have an awesome time.  I had no idea how much this ‘being silent’ idea was going to completely suck (for lack of a better term). 

I wore this button on my shirt.  It said “I am SILENT today for those who are silently struggling with an eating disorder.”  I figured this would 1, explain why I was being a weirdo and not talking. 2, shut people up that I didn’t know, because no one wants to talk about an eating disorder – face it.  I found that to be true today with a few people.

I had no idea how powerful today was.  I had so many memories and emotions come back from not being able to say a word.

Let’s start with David, my husband.    I woke up, rolled over; he said “Good Morning.”  I smiled and got out of bed.  “WTF?  Oh yeah – no talking.”  For the rest of the morning he didn’t talk either.  He kept signing to me, writing notes, waving me out the door when I motioned I was going to leave.  I wrote him a note that said “You can talk, you know…”   He told me he felt guilty talking if I couldn’t talk.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?   I remember sitting around the dinner table with my family in the deepest part of my disorder and NO ONE wanted to say anything.  I certainly had nothing to say – my entire mind was consumed with 2 things: 1. what I can eat and what I can and 2. When can I work out again?   There was NOTHING to talk about!   Not to mention, if my family had talked about anything I wouldn’t have had any input in the conversation.  I could have turned a conversation about a new car and the president into “today at lunch I only had steamed broccoli, isn’t that great?”  I still can’t believe my family put up with me.  

So the workout was hard – not being able to join in the conversations, answer questions, ask questions if I had any (I always do) or talk with my friends, I said goodbye and when they asked “when will you be back?” I pointed forward: “tomorrow?”   A nod  ’yes’.  I’m really looking forward to adding 30 minutes back on to my workout because I talk too much.

 As I was leaving the gym, there was a group of older gentlemen standing by the door.  One of them I recognized.  I see him almost every day I go and always try to talk to him; he never really answers me back.   But TODAY, of all days, he walks right up to me with his little posse and says “Hey!  Is there a big group of you girls working out in there today?   Are you just finishing up?” 

You should just talk, Mel…he won’t have any idea what an eating disorder is…it won’t mean anything to him, just tell him you’re done working out and no one else is in there, I tried to convince myself.  Instead; I stuck my chest out at him and let him and his 7 friends read my button.   “Oh.”   He smiled, said ‘that’s great, you can’t talk today” (wasn’t sure how to take that) and the crowd started to break up.  Except for one man.  

His eyes welled up with tears.  He just stared at me for few moments.  “Hi, my name is Hank.”   He just kept staring.  I’m thinking okay, do I talk?  Do I leave? Do I pat him on the shoulder?   Then he spoke. “I’m really glad that you’re doing this, my granddaughter is in Denver in rehab for an eating disorder.”   

He continued on and told me that his wife and his daughter don’t know what to do.  They’re lost and would love to talk to someone.   “Can I at least get your name?”    Hello, Melissa!!!  Speak now!!  I choked on the tears I was holding back and said (too loudly) “Melissa.   My name is Melissa.  Thank you for sharing.”  I told him I went to rehab in Arizona; he had heard of Remuda Ranch.  I told him I’d been 4 years recovered.   I told him it was possible for her too.  He said his wife or daughter would be calling me and I’m hoping they’re reading this.  If you are, I can’t wait to hear from you. 

I couldn’t figure out what to do.  I just sat in the car and cried.  I thought about going back in for a hug, which also meant I would have let everyone see me cry: not happening.   So I went about my day to see who I could be silent to next. 

Publix!  I was greeted by every single person in a Publix uniform today.  “Hi, how are you?”  “Are you finding everything okay?”   “Can I help you with anything?”  Honest to God, 4 people within the first 5 minutes said something to me.   When I got to the register, the woman said “HI, How are you this afternoon?”    I smiled at her and looked down.   She stared at my button, looked up at me and said “Is everyone doing this today?”   I shook my head ‘no’.   “So it’s just you?”    I shook my head ‘yes’.   

“Cool.”  And she gave me the thumbs up sign.   She didn’t say another word while she rang me up and said “I feel stupid because I don’t want to talk because I knew you couldn’t.”   

I found this to be true a few times today.   So many people knew I couldn’t talk, even if they didn’t know why, and felt bad talking when I couldn’t.   How do you think people felt when I wouldn’t eat?   Did people feel bad eating or talking about food when I was around?   I KNOW people felt bad bitching about “being fat” or how bad their diet was when I was around.     To me – this was evidence that there are SO many people out there that want to help; you just need to tell them you need it.   Even if you don’t know what you need.   The minute you SPEAK UP, you are free.   Being silent, to put it pretty bluntly, will put you in an early (and silent) grave.  I know friends of mine already had my head stone and eulogy written – telling them I was starting to seek help was a huge weight lifted off their chests.

I’ll be honest – I didn’t make it through the 24 hours.  David’s daughter came over and re-inspired me, I was pumped to be silent until tomorrow morning, then about 5:00pm our neighbor came over and I showed him the button he said “Are you trying to raise money for this?”   I laughed so hard I couldn’t help but tell him what was going on.   Then I spent the rest of the night telling David about my day in ‘silence’, since I wasn’t able to tell him before.

The bottom line:  when I was anorexic and bulimic, I would always say to myself “If you’re not skinny, what good are you?”     No self-worth, no purpose, just be skinny and small and you‘ll get by.

Today, at about 11:30am, I thought to myself “If I can’t communicate, what good am I?”    I was struck by the irony and finally figured out the purpose of today’s experiment.     You have to ask yourself one question:   WHO. ARE. YOU?    Who are you??   I assure you the answer is not “A size 2.”   Or “A funny person.”    You are so much more than your size, shape or color.   YOU are your dreams, your goals, your passions, your mistakes, your ‘wins’ and your dreams.    Take it from me, the girl who defined her future by this motto “If I have to buy bigger than a size zero, I’ll start running more” to the girl who now can’t possibly pick one goal she wants to do, because there’s so much life ahead to live.    There’s life ahead for you too.

Today I was silent for more reasons than I anticipated.  I was silent for those who feel they can’t speak up about what they’re going through, for those who feel they’re the only one on the planet going through this and for those who are terrified of who they would be without their “ED”.  I was also silent for my 2 friends Kristen and Laura: both spoke up about their disorder, both tried to get help and both lost the fight.  Kristen and Laura are terminally silent.  My silence today reminded me of the smiles and tears they both brought to my face while I had my time with them.

My advice?  Do something great with your life.   As soon as you let go of your eating disorder you will have 25 doors in front of you and you can choose which opportunity you want to walk into.     

I want to leave you with this verse.   I was recently talking about this passage with my friend, Anna about being ‘okay’ where you are right now.  Trust in God to save you when you know you can’t save yourself…and no, it won’t happen overnight.         “Be still, and know that I am God.”  Psalm 46:10

Stay tuned for tomorrow!!!   What could be scarier than being silent for 24 hours???

A man boarded a plane and left Oklahoma City on Thursday afternoon.  He boarded the 5:20pm flight and sat in 2B.  2A across the aisle sat alone and 2B and 2C sat together.

He put his bags away, listened to the safety instructions and take off began. He happened to look over at the young woman sitting in 2A.  She opened her backpack and looked at it suspiciously.  She stopped, looked around as if she was thinking, “is this my bag?”

She thumbed through the ten or so books she had brought and he watched her pull out a familiar one, one he even recognized: “Oh the Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Seuss.   He loved that book.

The young woman, still confused, opened the first page of the book and began to cry.  Quietly, but big crocodile sized tears running down her face landing on the pages.

He watched as she put her hand over her mouth and tried to wipe the tears from her eyes.  She read the inside cover which had a letter written on it and then proceeded to read the whole book.

This woman is me.

“I didn’t pack a hard back book in here!” My first thought when I saw the book; I thought someone had played a trick on me.  When I pulled it out, opened it and saw my brothers handwriting on the inside I couldn’t stop the tears.

It was a letter about life.  To quote the letter, it is a “welcome to your ambitions and potential to do amazing things, even in circumstances of uncertainty and fear” letter.

I spoke for the first time this week.  I’ve felt called to be a speaker and an author for a long time now, and God finally created an opportunity.  From this opportunity He created three more!

What’s scarier than speaking about your eating disorder, mistakes you’ve made, the company that fired you and countless hours of struggling you have been through?  Speaking TO the company that fired you.

It was a smaller group, a lot of familiar faces that was great for support but slightly terrifying at the same time.  Think about it this way: it’s not that difficult to talk to someone you’ve never met or will never see again about this topic, right?  But to talk to friends and people you know is a whole new ballgame.

The speech began and it felt like it was 10 seconds long even though it was 40 minutes.  People laughed (thank God), some cried and at the end they applauded.  I took a deep breath and felt chills run through my body.  I knew that THIS is what God designed me to do.

I met with a few people after the speech and the feedback I got had a common theme:  If I’ve never struggled with an eating disorder I can’t picture or imagine what you were going through OR how to help.  It makes it hard to help your daughter, son, spouse, co-worker or friend if you can’t relate to them.

I decided I would write about what it looks like.  Something tangible you can put yourself in to start to get an idea of how it feels.

Picture this:

You are lying down with your eyes closed.  You open your eyes like every morning before but this time – it’s dark.  You’re eyes are open and you cannot see anything.  Dark.  Total blackness.

You immediately stand up and start running out of sheer terror.  BOOM.  You hit a wall.  You fall, get back up and run again in a new direction.  BOOM.  Another wall.

Again: get up, run fast, and fall down.  How am I going to get out?  You’re exhausted now and you have no idea where you are.

Eventually you get used to it.  You assume this might be your life now.  No sight, running into walls, and falling down.   You might even like this, it’s comforting now.  You can do this for years and years to come.

All of a sudden.  There’s wind.  A strong, circling, powerful, tunneling wind.

You’re terrified.  Your eyes water, you’re still trying to run, still falling down but it’s harder now because of the wind.   It’s still completely dark.   You’ve lost all track of time and you don’t care.

Out of nowhere a tiny pea-sized light peeks out way up high.  What was that?  And then it’s gone.  This is your hope.   The light goes away.  Will it ever come back?  And then it comes back.  This time it’s nickel-sized.  You get up and reach for the wall you keep running into.  This time you’re going to climb – you find a step that somehow you had missed every other time. 

Yes!  My foot fits on the step.  After this step, you find another one.  And another one.  When you get to the fourth step – it breaks in half. BOOM. You land flat on your face on the ground.   When you sit up – you can still see the light at the top.  Now it looks like it’s baseball sized.

You decide to start stepping again.  Right, left, right, left: the wind is howling but it’s letting up.  The light looks like a basketball and you are climbing towards it.  You even think that you see a little bit of blue sky.  You’re not certain though; you haven’t seen sky in a long time.  What could be out there?  Who could I be if I got there?

You press on.  There’s no telling how many times the next step will break and you hear BOOM.  Absolutely no way to tell at all.

Eventually, it will not break.  You feel ahead of you and there are no more steps.  How can this be?  The light looks so close!!   JUMP.  You jump straight towards the light.   BOOM.  You hit the ground.  It hurts at first but nothing compared to running into walls.

You open your eyes.  YOU. CAN. SEE.

I can see!!  Yes, you, who was lying on the ground blinded and surrounded by walls of doubt and fear can NOW SEE!!

You can breathe, you can cry, you can dance, you can laugh, and you can turn cartwheels and give high-fives!  And what’s this…you can fly??  You can drink beer, you can buy shoes, you can drive cars, you can buy a new house, you can have sex, you can jump into the ocean and swim naked all the way to Ecuador…if you want to!

This is what recovery looks like.

The light is your hope.  I know it can fade during the journey, but don’t let it completely go away.  The light is possibility.  Possibility for a real life, a happy life and freedom from what is holding you down.

Possibility for relationships.

The wind?  Negative thoughts.  Consuming you and knocking you over when you want to stand.   The steps?  A decision to get better and finding out it’s NOT easy.  Or short.

The walls?  Self-doubt.   You are usually your worst enemy.  Fear can eat you alive – don’t let it.

Climb towards the light.

This isn’t just about an eating disorder; EVERYONE’s got a cave of darkness they can get stuck in.  Maybe it’s an addiction, maybe it’s a tragedy, and maybe it’s yourself and your own negativity.  Again, EVERYONE’s got a “cave”.

I am living proof that we can all get out of the cave and get into the light.

I apologize for reusing this verse, but it’s my absolute favorite and a crucial one for my recovery.

For I know the plans I have for you…plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

God’s plans are NOT to keep you in the cave.  Let Him help you and let’s get out!

For starters, I wanted to thank all of you who wrote me, texted me or talked to me about my blog.  I really appreciate the emails and comments of “where have you been?  What’s wrong?  Why haven’t you written in a month?”  They have been motivating and I have been working on getting to a clear enough place in my head where I can focus again and write.  So thank you.  A slight “blog-block” has occurred for some time.  Here’s something that inspired me for my post today:

“Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Let’s think about this for a moment.  I pray every night for God to lead me down the path he’s chosen for me.  I say it; those exact words every night.  Maybe the reason I feel like so many signs are pointing in different directions down different paths is because there is no path.  Am I supposed to start a path?  

When everything feels like it’s slipping through the cracks, I’ve always felt the urge to change paths.  Do something new.  Start over.  Of course, after giving a valiant effort at my current situation, then stop and start again.

A blog-block, which is a word I’m sure hasn’t made it into Webster’s book yet, is when you sit down at your computer, ready to share your experiences and hopes and dreams with the world, you stare into your Word document…and keep staring.  No typing, or maybe typing but when you read it you immediately think, “What the heck does that even mean?”

I recently attended a training session in Deerfield Beach and had a large portion of “Listening” training.  I thought, “Oh this will be a breeze, I can catch a few Z’s, relax in my comfy chair, I know everything about listening.”  I figured with all the therapy I’ve had “I’ve got listening and therapeutic listening ‘in the bag’.”

Lately when people have been talking to me, I have had no idea what they said.  Even a short conversation.  The next day when I’m reminded of the conversation they’ve often had to repeat it again, I didn’t even remember we had talked.  You CANNOT focus on someone, or something, when you’ve got a tornado of thoughts whirling through your head 24/7.  It’s impossible.  And if it’s not, for you, then you’re lying to yourself.  And of course, the other person notices.

I’ve irritated the crap out of my fiancé this month (God bless him) trying to have conversations from my head out loud.  Finally the other day, he looks at me and says “Yes, sweetie, I know all this.  I know this because you’ve been saying the exact same thing for over a month.  You have to make a decision.”

It woke me up and took me back to a time when the conversations were about a subject totally different than what I’m dealing with now.  I’m healthy now, I’m four years older and yet the same frantic, confused, tornado-ish and terrifying feelings are still occurring.  The conversations then were about recovery.  Do I need to go somewhere?  Do I continue on with outpatient or go inpatient?  Do I really need to get better?  I mean, I look great now?

Rapidly tornado-ing and doubting.  The only hope and the only serenity I found was in God.  My family played a huge role in my healing and accepting Christ back into my life is what saved me and my relationship with them.

Here’s the point:  focus.  Focusing on the healthy and positive things in life is the only way to get to them.  Think about it:  is it easier to shoot a target if you’re looking at it or looking behind you?   Not a tough one.    The same goes for the direction in your life.

Focus, focus, focus.   If you’re having trouble on knowing or choosing WHAT to focus on (which is where I currently stand) then focus on God.  Get back to the basics and focus on what you know.

I finally made a list.  In my ‘vision’ for my life, what are three things that absolutely HAVE to be there.  You can add more if you want, but start with three.   Some lists say, “I want a family, I want to be a doctor, I want to be in Kansas.”   If you can write down your vision and have a clear idea of what you want, you can get to it.

Focusing is the whole key.  You can’t hit the target if you can’t see it and for me, God has given me the serenity and the calmness to focus; he’s given me a proverbial scope to attach to my sight.  I’m focusing on everything I want to do and pursuing them or eliminating one by one.  SIMPLIFY. 

When recovering or making decisions about your recovery you have to focus:  What’s most important to me?  Do I want to get healthy?  How’s this disorder working for my life right now?  This mentality will help you beat a blog-block, happiness-block, life-block…you name it.  The sky’s not even the limit.

Be strong.  I know each and every one of you have what it takes to beat it.  My quote for the day is one I read last night (while watching the amazing OKC Thunder fall the Miami in the final seconds of game 2) and I wrote it in my journal while I was at Remuda Ranch in Arizona:

 ”So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.”   - Isaiah 41:10.

Praise be to God and have a truly blessed day!   Thanks for reading!

Wow.  I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since “fear week.”  Things have been a little crazy around here.  Work, coaching, church, a new business opportunity and this weekend is a charter.  I work on a yacht with my fiancé and we do sunset cruises, dinner charters, full-day outings – you name it.  We do it all and I love being on the boat.

There’s something so amazing about being out in the middle of the ocean.  You’re all alone, thousands of miles from home, sun shining, breeze blowing and there’s not a cloud in the sky.  It becomes so overwhelming apparent that the earth is a huge place and the ocean is more powerful than we give it credit.  Inevitably, what I’m always reminded of while we’re taking a trip somewhere is there IS a higher power.  There are bigger issues than what we’re dealing with.

Sometimes (and we all do it, not just those struggling with an eating disorder or depression) we get so bogged down with our problems.  What do I look like?  How much weight have I gained?  How am I ever going to get through this?

When you take a step back – or a boat ride out in the center of the ocean – this world is a huge place and the things we think about everyday, in reality, aren’t going to matter in the big picture.

I want to dedicate this post to a few friends of mine who are struggling big time.  I know there are many of you, but this specific post took me a while to write because it’s hard.  It’s hard to look your friends in the eye and know that they don’t want to be here. Here = Alive.

Struggling, to me, is thinking you’re never going to beat whatever it is that’s keeping you down.  Negative self-talk, suicidal thoughts, terrible body image and self-hate; all of these characteristics combined into one amazing, beautiful and wonderful person created by God and they just can’t see it. 

We need to look past the mirror, not in it.  Look ahead to your future, look to your future family, to your current or future soul mate.  Look to the ocean if you have to.  Can you see how big the world is?  Can you see how these problems weighing you down right now are not as a big a deal as they should be?   I know that’s a little harsh.  It is.

The only way I was able to step into recovery out of disaster was to realize the entire problem was in my head.  The entire problem wasn’t with the world, it wasn’t even sitting next to me – it had been created in my head.

Now, physically, it was a huge problem.  It was all something I did to myself – something we all do to ourselves.

There are people with cancer and heart disease, car wrecks and fires that die everyday – they didn’t do that to themselves.  Why are we killing ourselves, taking ourselves off of an amazing earth, because we can’t see past our own problems?

What I want you to do today is start small.  Make a commitment to change your life taking one tiny step at a time.  If you tell yourself you’re ugly or fat or worthless 10 times a day, then today, only say it 5 times.  Take an even bigger step and change your words “I’m God’s child, I was created in His image and I’m totally worth saving.”

That’s how it starts.  You realize that if you gain a pound, or you don’t workout today, or your hair isn’t just right, that the world will still be the same tomorrow.  I’ve been there, some days I’m still there.  But if you take a lot of little steps each day – guess what they turn into?  That’s right.  One big step.  And with enough big steps you end up walking.  Instead of walking in circles and spiraling into disaster, you are walking towards a healthy, positive and enriching life that will no doubt change the life of others around you.

To my friend, and you know who you are, I have gotten to know you and appreciate you for the person you are.  Your beauty shines through you even on your worst day and I think you’re amazing.  If you don’t know who you are, because you may not believe these words I’m saying, then I will tell you when I talk to you next.   Your life is worth living and I consider myself honored to know you.

Take tiny steps and start taking them today.  Eventually you’ll find yourself in a full sprint towards happiness.

The verse that landed for me today comes from 1 Peter 2:9.  But you are a chosen people…a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness and wonderful light.

As I sit here on the back of the boat, surrounded by nothing but vast amounts of water, I hope you’re looking in a mirror and seeing past it.  Try and look to a brighter way of life.

I’m taking a step out today – I’m still going to write about a fear food for the Final Night of Awareness Week, but I’m going to share a story I haven’t shared in awhile.

I heard one of the best lines I’ve heard in awhile today.

Good judgment comes with experience; a lot of that comes from bad experience.

Sometimes when I’m writing these posts I think, “Why would anyone listen to me?”  I can count the decisions I consider right on one hand.  As far as life goes, I’ve turned left 98% of the time I should have gone right.  However, I have always believed that the best people to talk to are the ones who have experienced ‘it’ themselves.  No matter what ‘it’ is, if someone has gone through it they can relate to it.

The biggest decision I got to make in my life wasn’t what everyone else thinks.  Some think it was to move to Ohio to school, play softball in college, quit my job and move to Florida, take care of kids for a living, go back to nursing school, say ‘yes’ to a proposal…no.  The biggest decision I got to make happened on a night in 2008 in Florida.  I remember it like it was an hour ago.  I had been living in with the family I was working for four months.  It was September.  I went to dinner with David, my now fiancé, the family’s boat captain.  I came home and felt guilty for eating dinner.   I bought over $100.00 worth of food at the grocery store and had come back to the house to throw it up.   I spent from 10:00pm to 2:30am throwing up until my body finally quit.  I passed out.  No recollection of what had happened:  exhausted, sweating, shaking, but when I woke I woke to a scary memory.   I had been awakened by a ‘vision’ – or so I thought – a voice or image in my head that I couldn’t explain.

It was a dream.  I dreamt that I woke up on Sunday.  Sunday was my day off so I went for a run on the beach.  When I got back to the house my boss was there.  Sitting at the table.  She screamed at me “Where have you been?  It’s Monday morning and you’re nowhere to be found!  You are gone!  Done!”  Just then (still in my dream) I turned around and there was her husband.  He was sweating and tired, he looked as if he’d been crying.  He was staring at a grandfather clock and it ‘gonged’.  He turned to look back at me and said “Melissa, it’s time to go home.”

It was then that I woke up:  4:00am.  I knew I had to go home.  I just didn’t know why.  I didn’t want to leave the twins I was a nanny for and I also wasn’t ready to accept I had an eating disorder.   Regardless, I went downstairs, drove the kids to school, came home and told my employers “I have to go home.”   Their response was “you don’t need to go home, you need to get help.”  I am so grateful for their response and their advice.  I didn’t accept it at this time – that took awhile.  But I went home the next day and discussed inpatient treatment.

There’s more to come with this story.  I know God was the ‘dream’ I had.  I know God helped me choose a successful treatment center and make the biggest decision of my life:  to go home.

Tonight is the last night of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  We chose something tonight that was “off-the-charts” scary years ago.

Fried food and Chinese food.  We went to Siam Thai.  David, Brittany (David’s daughter) and our friend, Bill, ordered the tempura vegetable appetizer.

Granted, taking a piece of broccoli, deep frying it in tempura and serving it with soy sauce is not the best thing for you…but in moderation is perfectly fine to be enjoyed.

Brittany and I split a Red Curry Chicken dish.   Amazing dish with coconut milk, curry, bell peppers, onions, bamboo shoots, chicken and white rice.

Bill ordered a Fried Fish Volcano dish.

The spices and the flavors were out of bounds!  What I enjoyed most about this meal was the comfort.  The comfort of eating out, the comfort of enjoying time with family, and most of all, the comfort of ordering a meal with no fear:  NONE.  No second-guessing what I wanted, no checking to see if there’s a “healthy side” menu or a “sugar free” option.   Just ordering, loving, talking, being…and most importantly??  LIVING.

The best decision I ever made was to follow God.  I’m so grateful for a God that saw something in me worth saving.   I assure you, if you ask him and seek him, he will help you see the greatness in your life too.

A verse on decisions I really like is from John 5:30 – I can do nothing on my own.  I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of Him who sent me.

If you’re not at a point in life where you can trust yourself with decisions, trust Him.  You’ll come out ahead every time.

Everyday cannot be an ‘on’ day.  We all have off days and we have to accept them as they come.  If you’re in sales, there are days people simply will not buy. Period.

If you’re an executive assistant, there are days when you work for a Devil Wears Prada type of boss and nothing you do is right.  (Trust me on this one).

If you’re in softball, you can throw a perfect bullpen and when you step out on the mound…you can’t throw one strike.

It’s an off day.

I remember being deep in the eating disorder and I’d have days when I’d feel fat in my sweat pants.  Of course at this point I was delusional and only weighed 100 pounds.  I have days where nothing fits.  We all do.

Usually when there’s a party to go to, a date to go on or when we’re in the dressing room.  It happens to everyone – men and women alike.

You can change it.  Just as I told one of my players the other day, she had been down, quiet, not getting into the game as much as she could and her leadership wasn’t present.  I said “Look, if you’re not feeling it right now, you’ve got to fake it.  You’re team needs to feel it.  You may have to FAKE it until you MAKE it.  You’re energy will rub off on those around you.  It will pick them up therefore picking you up”.  It’s true.

No. We’re not always going to feel great in everything we wear and every job or activity we’re involved in, but your confidence has got to be there:  real or not.

How does this fit in to my Awareness Week schedule?   All I could think about today was “where did I really miss out on fun times with friends when I was sick?”  Mexican Food. 

One of my sister’s favorite foods is guacamole.  My best friend growing up always goes to this amazing place at home with the best queso.  I canceled and never joined in.  In fact, I would go and order a green salad – no dressing, no croutons, and no cheese – and get a side of salsa for dressing.

Let’s stop talking about this past meal and get to the present.   A cheese dip with chorizo sausage called “Fundido”.  Guacamole made with local avocados, homegrown tomatoes, lime juice, red onion, garlic, and cilantro.  Quesadillas:  Chicken and cheese and Chorizo and cheese quesadillas with flour tortillas.

Tonight was a recommendation from a good friend of mine, Jen.  I will soon be recreating this meal with her.

The verse I leave you with tonight is from Psalm 56:3-4  “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.  What can flesh do to me?”

If nothing flesh can hurt us…then what can some cheese dip do?   (smiley face)   AMEN!!

Anyone guess what’s for dinner tonight?   C’mon, you can guess…Jimmy Buffet is a clue…?

Cheeseburgers in Paradise! (And of course, fries.) When I was in New York filming Worst Cooks in America we went to an amazing burger joint.  They serve two things:  hamburgers and cheeseburgers.   Even though it wasn’t that long ago I was still too hesitant (scared) to order the cheeseburger.

Tonight, we bought Kobe beef and made half-pound patties, seasoned with salt and pepper, cooked on a griddle (like they do at our favorite diner) medium rare. 

Truly a thing of beauty.  We get Kobe beef or buffalo burgers a lot.  We usually eat them without a bun and with something ‘safe’ on the side.

In honor of this week, National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, we didn’t want to leave anything untouched.   We bought French hamburger buns at the store (they look more like fancy rolls than actual hamburger buns) and made ‘black ketchup’ to go on them (it’s a combination of balsamic glaze and ketchup).

The fries, as I requested earlier in the day, were my job.  I used a Rachel Ray recipe, twisted it a little and made Parmesan Garlic Crispy Fries.

So who won?  The intimidating burger with its bun and cheese staring me down?  The cheesy fries grinning thinking she won’t eat me!!  She can’t!  She’s scared? 

Did Ed (eating.disoder) win?  “Don’t eat that, you’ll be fat.”

Nope.  I won.  Every single bite was eaten.  We prayed a prayer at the beginning of dinner, it was my turn to say it:  Dear Heavenly Father, I am so grateful that you helped me to find you again.  I am so grateful for this man and your bringing us together.  I’m grateful for my family and their support and for all my friends, some are struggling, some are not, but no matter where they are in their life bless them and let them feel your love.  Father, tonight, I mostly want to thank you for this cheeseburger.  3 years ago I would have been in tears or would have never made it out of the house.  Bless this meal and let it nourish our bodies.  In your name, Amen.

I was surprised at the serenity the prayer brought and even more surprised after the whole plate was clean!

There are many things in our lives, in this world specifically, that can beat us.  Sicknesses, the economy, negativity – you name it – don’t let a cheeseburger be one of them.  I encourage you, not only this week and not only this meal, to face something you fear everyday.  Maybe it’s food.  Maybe it’s confrontation.  Maybe it’s a new job.

IT DOESN’T MATTER.   Just do it.  And don’t be afraid.

The verse I want to leave you with today is from Isaiah 41:10 – fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

Praise God!

It’s day two of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  What’s on the menu?  One of the scariest things that (I actually didn’t do for 3 years) I could think of:  going out with friends.

Whenever someone would ask me to go out to eat, go grab a drink, go ‘meet up for lunch’ I turned it down every time.  The fear of what I was going to order, what was on the menu or how I could turn something into a salad without looking weird.

In the Daily Oklahoman article that was published last month, the paper interviewed my Mom and she told them “Going out to eat for Melissa meant ordering a salad with salsa on it.”

She’s right.  I cut out my friends, my family and any social contact that had anything to do with food.

What’s changed now?   Freedom.   Freedom from fear and freedom from the idea that a food controls me.  How ridiculous does it sound when you say it out loud?

Last night we had the opportunity to meet some friends we hadn’t seen in awhile out for dinner.   At first I was bummed thinking I really wanted to cook something scary tonight!!   Then David, my fiancé reminded me saying, “going out to eat?  That didn’t used to be scary for you?”    He’s right.

I got so anxious about going out to dinner.  I remember countless nights I’d sit on the computer, googling restaurants, calories, serving sizes and measuring up which dish I could order, then only eat part of, that would give me the least amount nutrition.

Sad.  But I know many people struggle with this concept: going out to eat.

We chose Campiello’s, an Italian restaurant on 3^rd Street South in downtown Naples.  David and I had a great time with friends and a GREAT time with our ordering.

I’ve been on a pizza kick recently but I didn’t want something normal.  I ordered a wood-fired flatbread pizza topped with pears, pine nuts and gorgonzola.  It was spicy, salty, sweet, crunchy, creamy (all extreme flavors I have recently gotten familiar with) and I was thrilled with my order. 

David’s dish was fantastic.

He ordered Butternut Squash Cannelloni.  Pasta wrapped goodness full of butternut squash, milky ricotta, swiss chard, brown butter and toasted hazelnuts!   I thought the portion was enough to share – ha! – I was lucky to steal a bite!   If you had ordered the dish, you’d understand why.

Don’t put your life on hold for a fear.  No fear is strong enough to control your happiness.  No fear is WORTH taking precious moments with friends and family away from you.  What has to happen to make this possible is a change of focus.   My focus went from “what am I going to eat?” to “who do I get to spend time with?”

The conversation, the atmosphere, the sights and sounds and smells of the outdoor café – it’s wonderful!  I would have missed all of that if had let pasta or pizza control me.

God tells is in Philippians “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – focus on such things.”   Philippians 4:8

I’m not here to tell you pizza is praiseworthy, but God’s love is.  God’s love for us and a new life through Christ is a focus that can get us through anything.  Anything.

Can’t wait for tomorrow!   Thanks for reading!

Don’t worry or stop reading.   This is not a post about abortion.   It’s a post about choices.  In everything we do, we have a choice.  Everything.  One of my favorite coaches in the world told me this and I said “Oh, come on, everything?  That’s crap.”  I argued with him on every issue under the sun.  So I chose to get grounded last weekend?  “No” he’d say, “but you chose to break curfew and those were the consequences.”

“Okay, how about that ball I just pitched?  She rocked it over the centerfield fence?  Did I choose that??”

“No” he said laughing “but you chose to throw a terrible pitch RIGHT down the middle?”  And he just stared at me.

“Okay – what about cancer?  People don’t choose to get cancer?”   He answered “No, but people choose to smoke or drink too much, people choose to not wear sunscreen, people choose products with additives or parabens and ALL those choices lead to a greater risk of getting cancer.”

We went through about 100 scenarios this way.   I’m telling you this story because with this mentality in life you begin to have a lot of control.  Control is everything.  When you don’t feel like you have control, if you’re like me, you start to tornado inside your head (and you clean your house from top to bottom – but that may be just me.)

My relationship with control now can be summed up in the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.    Amen.

I remember the day at Remuda Ranch when the ‘serenity’ feeling finally clicked.  I was sitting in rehab, some girls were laughing, and some were joking about how many meds they were on, some were struggling to even to be present in a conversation.   But it hit me – I want to live.  I want to choose LIFE every single day.   My life was being controlled by an eating disorder at Ed (E.D. – as I refer to him) was the voice inside my head.  Controlling my thoughts everyday about exercise, foods, clothes, money, jobs, relationships you name it.  That is NO WAY TO LIVE.

So I urge you, choose to live everyday instead of choosing to die.   That’s what stress and starvation can do to you.

I’m so excited about this week.  It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.   Which means…drum roll…I’m going to face all those fears I never had control of before.   Who’s first?   The biggest and hairiest fear of them all for me:  Pizza.    Pizza is a great source of carbohydrates, protein (cheese), veggies (sauce and toppings) and let’s is honest – it’s wonderful!

Last night, David and I celebrated the 3^rd episode of Worst Cooks in America by making homemade pizza.  Spinach, mushroom, tomato, red onion and mozzarella cheese.   Truly is a thing of beauty.

Before pizza, I wanted to do something harder.  Wings!!!   We had hot wings dipped in blue cheese.  

Guess what guys; I still fit in my jeans (okay they’re workout shorts) today.  I didn’t gain five pounds, the world didn’t stop spinning and Christ, my soul and savior, loves me.

I’ll leave you with two things today, a thought and verse.

Thought:  If you have a choice in all you do, what’s stopping you from choosing to get greatness out of everyday of your life?

Find out what it is.  Then stop doing it.

The verse I want to give you today means a lot to me, it was one that I wrote down in my journal at Remuda Ranch:

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!  I have overcome the world!   John 16:33

If that doesn’t bring you some peace, I don’t know what can.  He has defeated EVERYTHING that will come our way.  Trust in him, trust in food and choose to live everyday.   It’s worth it.

Oh – and eat pizza.

STAY TUNED EVERYDAY THIS WEEK AS I TAKE ON A FEAR FOOD THAT HELPED SAVE MY LIFE!  Please, if you have a fear food and want to make a suggestion, send it to me.  I’d love to take on this challenge with you!

One Thing a Day…

You always hear people telling you to do what scares you, it will only make you stronger.  Or one of my favorites when I was 10-years-old trying to learn a back-dive off the diving board “Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back.”     Truthfully, I never understood what it meant, but I like it because the lifeguard said it…and it rhymed.

This “Do One thing a day that scares you” is something that we talk about a lot at work.  It was my motto on Worst Cooks in America as well as my life in my recovery.   We all need to ask ourselves two important questions:  1.  What scares me?  2. (and most importantly) Why?

 On any given day I can think of a whole slew of things that scare me:  snakes, rats, roaches, spiders…but those are not things you can DO to face your fears.  Heights, planes, boats – these are all things you can do or attempt and once you do them, you realize it was never that big of a deal.  The things that have scared me the most in my life don’t seem like fears to a lot of people.

I faced a lot of these fears at Remuda Ranch.   One aspect of the treatment is to feed you, normal size portions, teach you what a healthy diet looks like, so you can re-learn how to eat and have a healthy relationship with food.

I remember the first 4 days vividly.  Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack.   Day after day after day…I was terrified.  I hadn’t eaten a whole meal in weeks before I checked in.   After those first four days I was positive I gained weight, that I looked terrible and that even my sweats wouldn’t fit anymore. (Right.)   We were weighed everyday.  Stripped down into nothing but a paper thin sheet and stood on a scale where we couldn’t see the numbers.   The nurse weighed me, looked at me, looked back down at her sheet and smiled.  I said, voice trembling, eyes flooding with tears, “how much did I gain?   Just tell me.”   She rolled her eyes.  She put the clipboard down, grabbed onto my shoulders and got right into my face:  “you’ve lost 4 pounds.”

My metabolism had finally started again and it proved, that eating food will help you maintain weight.   I needed more – so I had lost.  That was when I realized eating shouldn’t be something scary.  I wasn’t eating salads at every meal either:  pancakes with syrup and butter, coffee with cream, bacon (yes – even bacon), hamburgers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pasta…you name it.   I faced my fear of these foods – trusted that God had more in plan for me than ‘dying skinny’ and ate.  Guess what – it worked.   After that they changed my plan:  breakfast, supplement, snack, supplement, lunch, supplement, snack, supplement, dinner, supplement, snack, supplement.   Healthy weight came back on and I gradually made it back to a healthy body again.

I wanted to write about this today because this next week is a very important one for me.  It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  The goal is to create awareness and offer venues where people can recognize their disorder, their friend or family member’s disorder and get help!   It’s a growing epidemic in this country and because of our society’s standards to be thin, no one wants to get help.  You can learn more about this week by clicking the NEDA tab on the menu.

This next week, February 26^th – March 3^rd, I’m going to do something again that I did last year and had a lot of success.  Every night of the week I’m going to cook, bake or eat some previous “fear food” that I used to have.  Whether it’s pizza, pasta, chocolate chip cookies…you name it.    But the idea is to create awareness and comfort in that it’s OKAY to enjoy these foods on a regular basis.  It’s not going to be easy – even for me at this point in my recovery I still struggle to order a cheeseburger – and if I do, I can’t order the fries.   Not to worry – My fiancé orders very well and I usually eat half of his.

I’d like to invite you to join me in this week – please write me, tell me what you’d like to see me cook or send me some of your pictures of you participating in the week.  Reply here or send it to me using the Contact Me button!

The campaign slogan is “EVERYBODY KNOWS SOMEBODY” and it’s true.  I’ve talked to many of you that have affirmed that.

So in doing one thing that scares you, whether it’s food related, putting on a swimsuit, bungee jumping, skydiving, dancing…WHATEVER…try it.   I know you’ll be rewarded when you realize your fear was nothing to be afraid of at all.

The verse that got me through every single thing I was terrified of is one that’s probably familiar to most of you:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13